Blog Hijacking by Kelby

So about a year ago, I (Kelby) decided to to shut down my blog. I'd gotten, at times, a little over the top (read raunchy and way to personal) and set the expectations of my visitors a little too high. I asked my lovely wife if I could do a little contribution to hers occasionally, with the aim of keeping it a little more mature (but for those who really know me, you know that's an impossibility). We'll consider my contributions like an op-ed column....rare appearances when I just need to let the folks know what I'm thinking.
This post has actually been brewing for quite some time. Hayley, now in her 6th month of pregnancy, has had several doctors appointments so far. Friends of mine that are now dads have told me about these appointments, usually describing them with words and phrases like "pointless" and "waste of time". Being a first timer, and after all the troubles Hayley and I had to get to this point, I wanted to be totally involved. I've made all but one appointment thus far, and each time, with the exception of the 5 minutes the doctor is in there letting us listen to the heartbeat and the 10 minutes we spent seeing Baby Davis in the sonogram room, both of which supplanted huge smiles on my face, it has been an utter waste of time. Thankfully so, since up to this point everything has been good and normal.
So as I sit in these doctors offices, I have several thoughts running through my head. I'd like to take this post to share those thoughts. In honor of the classic 1977 Billy Joel tune "Scenes from and Italian Restaurant", I'll title this post:

"Scenes from a Memphis OB/GYN Office" (cue saxophone and piano solos)

• I remember the days well. It was the years where young men, say my middle school years, where taking a liking to the "fairer" sex. You always had dreams of being a pro baseball player, lawyer, or something else that made a lot of money or had prestige up until middle school. In middle school, you started liking girls and got the notion that being an OB/GYN might be cool. "I can just check out hot chicks all day," a middle schooler like me would think. "How awesome would that be?" It never occurred to me again, until I was sitting in this Memphis OB/GYN Office, about how uncool that job really would be. A quick sit in the waiting room for any young lad thinking of a career in "checking out hot chicks" would soon be squelched by the views of....lets just say "not hot chicks". And then when you actually have to think about what the OB/GYN is looking.....ok I'll stop there.
• Doctors offices are often filled with magazines. The OB/GYN office has lots of baby magazines. Flipping through the pages, they all are trying to hawk things to prospective mothers. My favorites are the breast pumps. Now, I've never had my nipples sucked on by a baby (or anyone for that matter?), but I can imagine it isn't something that makes you have a huge smile on your face, like many of the women in the ads have. Some of the contraptions were just a step less than industrial type cow milkers. Hoses and nipple cups all hooked up, yet the woman seems like she is having a great time. Maybe its true though? It's like the Valtrex commercials for people with herpes....they apparently have much more fun riding bikes and climbing mountains than the rest of us do. Kinda makes you wanna breast feed or get herpes if its that much fun?
• As I survey the office, every dude in the place looks totally out of place. We're all playing on our cell phones and squirming in our seats. Your wife or the chick you knocked up gets called to the back and you never know if this is a trip you both take to the back or if its the one where she's just going pee in the cup and measure the growth. Funny how they don't want you there for the weigh in and blood work, but give you a front row seat to the doctor poking and prodding around the business.
• On one trip, we sat across from a baby (about 6 months), baby's mom, and mom's mom (Grandma). I can only assume mom was there for a check-up, so she left Grandma in the waiting room with the baby. Grandma had no couth. She talked so freaking loud to baby. Baby, which I could never tell if it was a boy or a girl, was actually pretty well behaved. It could have been left in the carrier and been fine, but grandma pulled it out. Most people talk to babies, which she was doing, and when most people talk to babies, they are soft and sometimes even make complete fools of themselves by talking baby gibberish. Most people don't talk to babies with booming voices! "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LOOK HERE!" She then repeatedly said to the baby, "You have ADHD, look at me! I want to play!"...."Lookie here ADHD....ah, its no use." At several junctures, I wanted to slap me-maw and tell her the baby was 6 months old and that everyone didn't need to hear it.

So anyway, I still have 3 months worth of appointments to report on, but that's what I've seen so far. I'll continue to post occasionally to Hayley's blog and hopefully all will enjoy!